Offseason Notebook: a modest Central proposal, plus end-of-year extraneity

We've got 24 clubs and messy geography in 2024, so let's switch things up

As we face down a world in which Memphis is in the Western Conference, a nonsense shared by the NBA and now the USL Championship, it’s time to dream up a change. My opinions on conference structures hold no weight in anyone’s mind, but I’m here to pitch a Central Conference for the USL in order to correct the impending cartographical crimes.

The split is easy to pull off. Play in a state bordering the Atlantic? You’re in the Eastern Conference? Part of the Pacific or Mountain Time Zone. Welcome to the West. Everyone else, extending from Detroit to El Paso? Say hello to the Central.

Now, you may be asking yourself “why does this matter at all?” It doesn’t. It’s New Year’s and I need a topic, and geographic nonsensibility is ripe territory.

Still, there’s an appeal here. If you still want a 16 team playoff along the lines of the 2023 season, it’s easy to accomplish. The top five clubs from each conference qualify, plus the next-best team by points per game. Swap in North Carolina’s numbers to last year’s field, and you get a result remarkably similar to the actual playoff set.

Scheduling is also a breeze if the goal is to maintain a 34-match format. By going with intra-conference home-and-home scheduling, you get a guaranteed “single table” vibe within each regional pod. That’s 14 matches right off the bat. If you play the 16 teams from the other conferences once, you’re at 30 matches.

Filling in the remaining four games is as easy as randomly assigning four extra match-ups against extra-conference opposition. Some of this chunk could take the form of protected rivalry games, if that appeals to the USL HQ. Think about New Mexico and El Paso, for instance, or Pittsburgh getting some time against other Midwest-adjacent rivals.

In the not-too-far-off future, that ugly extra chunk will go the way of the dodo as the in-season cup expands from League One to include the Championship. Four built-in slots for a cup group stage feels utterly perfect, yeah?

So that’s all I’ve got. The three-division structure with a Central Conference would cut down on travel, encourage rivalries, and appeal to my basic sense of geography. Paul McDonough, give it a think.

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This is a glorified blog, and I’m going to use that platform to go off topic for a second hear. End of the year, lack of content, yadda yadda.

I’m a huge movie guy, and I find it to be a great hobby to distract myself from USL compulsions and the ins and outs of the day job. As with soccer, I get obsessive and stat-y with it, and I’ve compiled the 52(!) 2023 releases I caught into a big ol’ ranked list, alongside a Letterboxd-inspired “half star to five star” rating for each.

The white-grey color banding is by tier; think of it like an expanded A-to-F school grading system.

Some stray notes…

• Ratings don’t match enjoyment, necessarily. Take Renfield or Quiz Lady, two Awkafina properties that respectively feature Nic Cage as Dracula and Will Ferrell as a latter-day Alex Trebek. They’re fun as heck and also terrible! By contrast, Zone of Interest is one of the most technically impressive films of the year in terms of the cinematography and sound design, and it’s tackling harrowing material, but I don’t think it walks a hugely thorny political tightrope in a way that says anything insightful. These movies aren’t operating in the same stratosphere in any respect; take it all with a grain of salt.

• The Boy and The Heron crushed me completely. I find Studio Ghibli movies to be an immense comfort, full of gorgeous craft, striking imagery, and truly meaningful themes. Haiyo Miyazaki’s previous movie explored the seemingly endless challenges of life (“the wind rises…”) and dared audiences to live and create in spite of them (“…you must live”). The Boy and The Heron explores what it means to live that life and forge a legacy. I’ve seen it three times, and it’s a perfect a summation of Miyazaki’s career.

• Kinda the same reaction relative to Asteroid City. Wes Anderson’s stuff can be twee and cold to many, but when he’s hitting an emotional cord, few people are more insightful at dissecting the way we mask our emotions and bury our traumas. Beyond the perfect production design and hilarious bits, Asteroid City understands the way that people cope with loss. Margot Robbie is in about two minutes of the movie, and she reduced me to tears.

• In the pure fun category, check out Rye Lane on Hulu. It comes from the classic British rom com tradition, updated with a hyper-modern Brixton sensibility. It maybe doesn’t land the plane fully with the emotional arc, but it’s so heart-warming and unique.

• I got to see Maestro’s US premiere at the New York Film Festival with Bradley Cooper in the audience and an intro from Leonard Bernstein’s kids, and what a hoot that was! The thing is beautifully directed and almost Spielbergian in the shot selection. Say what you will about the accent work and the overarching take on one of America’s most amazing musical minds, but I’m here for it.

• Yeah, I was harsh on the Marvel stuff. Ant-Man was one of the most tiresome, trying experiences I had in a theater this year - it felt like a CGI blob. Guardians was absolutely better, but I’m a sourpuss who’s less interested in the animated raccoon. Go watch Loki or Invincible for superhero content. Also, I love Spiderverse to death and probably have it too low, pending an eventual rewatch.

• I need to get a life.

That’s all I’ve got. Thanks for reading, and here’s to 2024.